april

this is not my life

I’m drinking tea and staring out the window. There’s a bird on the tree outside the window. It’s little. I don’t know. It’s just a bird. It’s a little fucking bird on the tree I don’t know how else to describe it. Why is everyone like forcing me to do things.

The nice thing about being a woman is that people will just assume you’re stupid and don’t know what’s going on. Women’s brains are smaller! How would I know what’s going on.

My friend recently told me that life is war. I said are you sure? He said you have to claw your way to the top and when you get to the top you have to kick down the little guys so they stay beneath you. The top of what. I don’t understand what the top is. I said if you’re so smart then why is your life war…

The leaves came back last week. It was like poof overnight there were leaves. Crazy how that happens every year. Every year I start to feel like it will never happen, there will never be leaves again, and then one day there are leaves. I went for a walk in the sun to go do laundry. There were a bunch of little kids running around at the laundromat. At first I was annoyed by them and then I decided it’s fine. They’re little kids. They’re just having fun. My past doesn’t define me. If it did I would be killing people with a gun but I’m not. I’m doing other things. I’m just doing laundry. I’m cooking steak and cabbage. I’m going on walks with my friends. I’m listening to 432 hz healing tones. I’m working on my thoughts. I’m collecting them. And then once they’re all collected I’ll let you know what I think. Let me cook.

My problem with Jesus is

nevermind.

I’m giving up

I give up I give up I give up

ok done I gave up

I feel happy. It’s because it’s sunny out. I don’t have the mental or physical fortitude to withstand winter. I shouldn’t live here. I wish there was somewhere else to live but there’s not.

I dreamed I was watching myself sleep from the ceiling and ambient Japanese music from the 1980s was playing in my head. I seemed distressed while I was sleeping and was tossing and turning. I woke up humming the music that was playing in my dream and wrote about it in my notes app and went back to sleep. It reminded me of when I took mushrooms in Portland, Oregon a few years ago and started to hallucinate the sound of wind chimes. I felt like I was getting really close to reaching enlightenment and now I feel that I’ve become less enlightened. Maybe I should move to Portland, Oregon.

Every time it starts raining I feel like I should be institutionalized. I’m just trying to know what I feel. People seem able to just feel things and then react to situations based on what they feel.

I hate late capitalism as much as the next person but I’m a physically frail woman and if I lived in the past I would have died in childbirth before the age of thirteen so that’s why I’m able to stomach corporate America. It seems like sort of best case scenario when you think about women throughout all of history.

When I was a little kid I kept a notebook where I would write down things my parents did and what I would do differently if I had a child and then I just applied it to myself and that’s why now I feel like if everyone would just do exactly what I said at all times then everything would be perfect, but what I have to remember is some people don’t want everything to be perfect and that’s fine.

Is life war

Is anything sustainable

No one seems particularly confident about the future. I’m testing out microdosing LSD instead of taking antidepressants. I don’t understand what people are supposed to do. I’ve tried to do multiple things.

At dinner the other night I told my friend Tade I’m finding it harder and harder to care. She said no one who’s close to breaking the cycle of death and rebirth cares.

I wanted to live a normal life. I wanted to live in the world. I felt like my parents refused to live in reality. But now that I’m living in the world I’m starting to feel like the evangelicals I grew up with were right and you shouldn’t live in the world. You should just make bread.

I was the peacemaker in my dysfunctional family. My mother would say “you’re the peacemaker.” I didn’t choose to be the peacemaker I was just responding to the situation at hand in a calm and rational way like any regular 12 year old girl would.

This is not my life. This is the Internet. I’m not from here. I’m not telling you about my deep deep pain because I do not know you. This is a story. These are just words. Life is something different. I’m not being myself online. My life is for me, and for people who have spent a minimum of 40-60 hours with me. I can’t tell you how to live your life. I don’t know how to live your life.

I want everyone to be happy and get along. It’s easy for me to see life as something like war but that’s just a layer you can peel off and then life is just life and you can just live it.